Monday, December 31, 2007

Your Final Warning

This gotta be my lucky day. At first I was really annoyed. First, I went to the store without my shopping list. Then, I found it impossible to find a trash can that is the right size for those white kitchen trash bags. When I finally had my shopping cart full, I faced many long check-out lines. I quickly looked to see if any lines were shorter, but soon faced the reality that whichever line I picked would turn out to be the slowest.

So here I am with at least twenty minutes to kill. There is only so much I can think of saying to the woman in front of me. We commiserated on the long lines and that was it. I started looking at the tabloids and magazines. I read about which celebrities are hooking up and those that are unhooking. I found out who is the father of Jamie Lynn Spear’s little bundle of joy. Or maybe not (he is denying the whole thing, or at least the pregnancy part. “How could she be pregnant? We only did it once and it didn’t take that long.”) I read about the water remedy for belly fat (I have been constantly drinking since I got home, but I still have to bend over to see my toes.) Then I saw it.

It was this week’s issue of the “Sun.” As I remember from the movie “Men in Black,” the Sun is one of the most reliable sources of news on the planet, so I really take it seriously. On the front page there was a large statue of Jesus with his arms raised. Then there was the big headline,

“2008—The Year All Final Prophesies Come True”


Then there was another headline, which read,

“Armageddon—Where The Final Battle Will Be Fought”

And another headline,

“Apocalypse—5 Signs The End Is Near”

And finally,

“Second Coming Is Sooner Than You Think”

And I thought this was just an ordinary day. I go to the store for some ordinary stuff and I come home with the bad (or good, if you're a fundamentalist) news that everything is nearly over. Now, I don’t have to worry about the Iowa Caucuses. I don’t care any more whether global warming is real (I can replace those mini-fluorescents with some REAL bulbs and see again). I don’t even have to worry that I will outlive all my ancestors and develop Alzheimer’s. Because, it ain't gonna last too much longer.

So dear friends, I am passing on this last notice to you. Do what you will with this knowledge. You might consider making New Year’s resolution that will not take a full year to fulfill. You also might want to get around to all those home maintenance chores that you’ve been putting off for "next week." Or, you might want to go to your local store, buy the Sun and read the other article highlighted on page 1:

“7 Miracle Foods to Add Years to Your Life”

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