Friday, May 30, 2008

A Brazen, Bold-Faced Attempt to Part You From Your Money!

Having analyzed the issue for a while, I have concluded that this maven needs to spend at least twenty thousand dollars to get elected to the Richmond school board. I was told that it costs about five thousand just to send a mailing to every household in the fourth district. If I do that twice, that alone comes to ten thousand. Then, I am told I will need professional-looking glossy two-color literature, lawn signs, bumper stickers, stationery, etcetera and etcetera. (Palm cards ~$500 per thousand; lawn signs ~$500 per hundred; bumper stickers ~$200 per hundred; lapel stickers ~$200 per thousand).

The big problem is that I don’t have twenty thousand dollars. In this day and age, they don’t pay mavens very much. So, I need to raise money. I thought of a car-wash, but since gas is so expensive nobody drives any more. I would sell cookies, but then hundreds of vengeful sprites in green or brown uniforms would picket my house. A yard sale would hardly produce enough. I even thought of calling Hillary for a loan, but I understand she is all loaned out.

With this dilemma, I consulted my guru—“The 21 Most Important Rules for Winning a Campaign” by Steve Grubs. (I don’t know if Mr. Grubs is really a guru, but the book was free.) Rule number 1 is “Send out your family and friends letter.” This is a letter that every candidate should send out to his nearest and dearest begging for their support. The theory is that if people who know you won’t support you then you may have to rethink your decision to run for office. The unwritten subtitle to rule number 1 is “How to antagonize your relatives and end life-long friendships.” But, I will have to take the risk.

Then I thought of you guys out in cyberspace. They say that Senator Obama has raised millions of dollars—one hundred at a time—from his online family. I don’t need millions, but it might just work. So I will modify Mr. Grubs’ rule by sending out this friends and family e-letter.

Beloved reader, I need your help to finance this campaign. If you’ve been reading the maven for even a short while, you know where I stand on the issues (and millions of other things that are totally irrelevant). As I explained recently, I am clearly the best qualified person to represent the children of the fourth district of Richmond on the school board. And, as you know, I am running partly in response to your outpouring of cyber-requests that I do so.

I ask that you donate $100 or more, if you can afford it, or $50 or even $25. Please make out your check to:

Bert Berlin 4 School Board

and send it to

5401 Dorchester Road
Richmond, VA 23225

The election laws of the Commonwealth require that my campaign committee keep records showing the full name, complete mailing address, occupation, and name and location of employer for every contribution received. This information will not be reported if your cumulative contribution is $100 or less for the entire campaign.

Cyber-friends, my mother thanks you, my father thanks you, (or at least they would if they were still living), my Maveness thanks you and, most of all, I thank you.

Approved by Bert Berlin 4 School Board


gray said...

Check out Zooom printing on Westmoreland. I know that 1000 standard size postcards in a bulk run costs about $198. I don't know if you need bumperstickers for a School Board run, however, signs are very important. Also someone from Hills and Heights community blog should interview you and post it like we have done with the 7th district candidates on .

Maven who is your opponent?

Bert said...

email me at