Pulling the Ring Off of My Hat

For all of you supporters of the Maven, I have some very bad news. After months of exploring and consulting with many experts and engaging in an extensive fund-raising effort, I must conclude that it makes no sense to continue my campaign for the presidency in 2008. Therefore, I must announce that I will not be a candidate either for the Republican or the Democratic nomination. And, just to eliminate any further speculation, I will not even run for whatever party Michael Bloomberg may put together. I am ending my candidacy.

Why?

Do I think that I am not as good as the other 20 or 25 candidates? Hell, no! I can certainly be a better president than most of them.

Why?

Do I think I can’t win? Hell, in a fair campaign I could beat all of them. If the American people carefully compared my qualifications with the other guys and gals, I have no doubt I would win.

So, why?

The answer is simple—money. In the months that I have been trying, I have only been able to raise $375, and $300 of that is a pledge from my friend Donald contingent on my winning the Iowa caucuses.

Let’s face it friends, politics in America has changed. The day when a retired civil servant living only on his pension could afford to run for president is long gone. No longer is heard the cry, “Let the best (wo)man win!” Now you have to have two or three hundred million bucks just to run for the nomination. Qualifications don’t count. Experience don’t count. Good looks don’t count. Even grammar don’t count. All that counts is money.

Is this maven bitter? Hell no! Let them have their gold-plated, diamond studded presidency. I will be content to just continue spreading my expertise throughout the planet.

Now, I have to figure out which of the remaining unqualified candidates to support. I eagerly await your advice. If there is any of the dirty two dozen that you think would make a good president, let me know. Tell me why you support that lesser candidate. I’ll consider your views, reject them and then announce my pick for the next Prez.

I look forward to hearing from you.